tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

tomorrow i will be a star in my own right.
tomorrow i will hop on a plane and go wherever i want.
tomorrow i will be happy with the freeing thought that my life hasn't been one gigantic dream.
tomorrow i won't wake up.

actually, tomorrow sugar travels to mississippi to begin a 10 day stint at two seperate casinos. I have never been to a casino, nor have i been to mississippi or louisiana. well cheers and bottoms up. let's hope my voice can indure 5 hours (x) 10 days of singing.

i watched the wedding singer for the first time since i've been in sugar. the entire time i was telling myself, "that's not me. I'm different. I'm not going to end up in the basement of my brothers. No one is going to leave ME at the altar because all i am is a wedding singer."

i love sugar, and it has given me so many opportunities, but what next? am i good enough to take it to the next step? is my voice really that special? will i be loved?

sugar had practice last night and it was so much fun. i was dreading it, because the last practice went so poorly. i practiced extra hard, despite a slight bought of stomach bugs, just so bryan would be happy, and maybe would feel more up to working on original stuff, which is NOT coming like it should be. not fast enough. no no. and it's because the cover band is taking up so much time. and here's the kicker:

years from now when i am old and i have made all the mistakes in my life that i am going to make, i will look back and say, "geeeeez that was so much fun. why couldn't i just be satisfied in the moment. what was i chasing?? oh, to go back there, just once and play brown-eyed girl. JUST ONCE!"

_______________________________________________

"what are you doing with your life kat?"

"oh, wellllll i graduated from college with honors, and got a great job which i managed to blow 5 months into it. but that's okay because i'm playing in a cover band and i'm also working on an original band ("band" is to be dragged out with an emphasis on the "a") like every other shmuck in this world who doesn't want to face the monotony of sitting at a desk all day."

"well that sounds super-duper"

"well yes it is. I'm totally making a living off of it and every time i go to "work", I'm praised and told that i'm the best at what i do."




...and on it goes, the conversation in my head of self-importance and reassurance and doubt.

guitars, fingers, fired, and the road

yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life.

i guess.

in a roundabout way, i got "fired" from ulanguzi. no, no slander on them. I deserved it for the most part. Since day one, my mind has been someone else. I didn't want to bother with naming files correctly. I got pissy when a client complained. I pretty much hated my work. I did really love the people though. I was two weeks away from quitting, and they basically let me go early, comped my pay a little, and slapped me on the wrist for being such an apathetic and absent-minded designer.

I do love graphic design. Is it a passion? No. A sometimes fun job? Yes. Did I like creating brochures for local real estate companies? No no no no no. Do I like getting blammed for a late project when it's the client's fault that the proper photographs are not provided? Nooooooooooo.

So that's over and it was made very clear that using them as a reference would be a bad idea. And so it goes: my first professional job out of college. Failure.

Whyyyyyyyyyyy was I absent-minded? The band. The bain of my existence. What I would live and die for. I'll also add that it aides in making me more than finacially stable.

And MY clients don't complain. They're all too happy or drunk or both. They appreciate me. And to be appreciated for something that you've wanted to do your entire life is such an incredible feeling. To see someone mouth "I love her" is shocking. I just want to keep climbing. Hopefully it won't all come crashing down. It probably will.

If I can just get over being the laziest perfectionist in the world...