free as a bird

i've been back from louisiana/mississippi for about a week. it was weird. very weird. and backwards. we won't be going back to mississippi, but louisiana wants us back as soon as possible. the states are right next to each other but are sooo different. a little racist. it hurt to see it.

so now that i'm back, i've been getting things in order to move. the apartment was messy and has stayed messy and i'm done cleaning up after him. i don't care if the bugs carry me off into the night, i will not do it. there.

so i'm moving and i found a great apartment that is so cute and kind of makes me feel like i'm in a tree house. the bathtub has feet. that makes me happy. i canceled my contract with my personal trainer. bummer. but i have to pay bills and i MUST get health insurance. and a bed frame. and a new quilt. drapes. jesus, i will be broke.

valentine's day was perfect. seriously the best i've ever had. hands down. and i did NOT have a boyfriend. i saw celeste's husband's band play (3 beers), went and hung out with the single design kids (2 beers), went with an old friend to an open mic that is NOT so open (1 weird drink, don't remember), and then went back to my apartment with my old friend and liberated myself. thank you old friend.

i freed something. i don't know what. i let go of a part of me that had been bothering me forever. that had ruined past years. i feel so freakin peaceful.

3 shows this weekend in SC. hopefully, i can get my soon to be landlord on the phone to sign a lease. i waaaaant that apartment. i'm ready to grow up.

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

tomorrow i will be a star in my own right.
tomorrow i will hop on a plane and go wherever i want.
tomorrow i will be happy with the freeing thought that my life hasn't been one gigantic dream.
tomorrow i won't wake up.

actually, tomorrow sugar travels to mississippi to begin a 10 day stint at two seperate casinos. I have never been to a casino, nor have i been to mississippi or louisiana. well cheers and bottoms up. let's hope my voice can indure 5 hours (x) 10 days of singing.

i watched the wedding singer for the first time since i've been in sugar. the entire time i was telling myself, "that's not me. I'm different. I'm not going to end up in the basement of my brothers. No one is going to leave ME at the altar because all i am is a wedding singer."

i love sugar, and it has given me so many opportunities, but what next? am i good enough to take it to the next step? is my voice really that special? will i be loved?

sugar had practice last night and it was so much fun. i was dreading it, because the last practice went so poorly. i practiced extra hard, despite a slight bought of stomach bugs, just so bryan would be happy, and maybe would feel more up to working on original stuff, which is NOT coming like it should be. not fast enough. no no. and it's because the cover band is taking up so much time. and here's the kicker:

years from now when i am old and i have made all the mistakes in my life that i am going to make, i will look back and say, "geeeeez that was so much fun. why couldn't i just be satisfied in the moment. what was i chasing?? oh, to go back there, just once and play brown-eyed girl. JUST ONCE!"

_______________________________________________

"what are you doing with your life kat?"

"oh, wellllll i graduated from college with honors, and got a great job which i managed to blow 5 months into it. but that's okay because i'm playing in a cover band and i'm also working on an original band ("band" is to be dragged out with an emphasis on the "a") like every other shmuck in this world who doesn't want to face the monotony of sitting at a desk all day."

"well that sounds super-duper"

"well yes it is. I'm totally making a living off of it and every time i go to "work", I'm praised and told that i'm the best at what i do."




...and on it goes, the conversation in my head of self-importance and reassurance and doubt.

guitars, fingers, fired, and the road

yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life.

i guess.

in a roundabout way, i got "fired" from ulanguzi. no, no slander on them. I deserved it for the most part. Since day one, my mind has been someone else. I didn't want to bother with naming files correctly. I got pissy when a client complained. I pretty much hated my work. I did really love the people though. I was two weeks away from quitting, and they basically let me go early, comped my pay a little, and slapped me on the wrist for being such an apathetic and absent-minded designer.

I do love graphic design. Is it a passion? No. A sometimes fun job? Yes. Did I like creating brochures for local real estate companies? No no no no no. Do I like getting blammed for a late project when it's the client's fault that the proper photographs are not provided? Nooooooooooo.

So that's over and it was made very clear that using them as a reference would be a bad idea. And so it goes: my first professional job out of college. Failure.

Whyyyyyyyyyyy was I absent-minded? The band. The bain of my existence. What I would live and die for. I'll also add that it aides in making me more than finacially stable.

And MY clients don't complain. They're all too happy or drunk or both. They appreciate me. And to be appreciated for something that you've wanted to do your entire life is such an incredible feeling. To see someone mouth "I love her" is shocking. I just want to keep climbing. Hopefully it won't all come crashing down. It probably will.

If I can just get over being the laziest perfectionist in the world...

i love the way amanda writes

why can't i sound like her? she writes the way that i think.

i sound a lot smarter in my head.
anyway, these are my aggitated thoughts for the day.

there are things i could say that would give whoever reads this (me) a better understanding of where i'm coming from. maybe i'll just reveal myself bit by bit. isn't that the point anyway?

when you are in the spotlight (no matter how big or small that spotlight is) there is someone telling you what to wear, what to say, what to do, how to wear your hair, who to talk to, who to not piss off, what not to drink, etc. And there are also people asking the whys. Why did you wear that? Why do you twirl your hair? Why do you sing that way? Why are you in a cover band and not an original one?

.................................................


ok, the weekend is over and here's a new stupid question of the day. After playing pink floyd's "another brick in the wall", where the main focus is on paul and his rad guitar solo, this guy comes up to me to tell me that the song didn't play to my strong point. DUH!!!!!! it's not my fucking song to sing. this band is not all about me, and i need a break every now and then, you douche bag. another girl came up and asked me if she could audition for the band. who does that? do you go up to the white stripes and ask if you can join their band? no. and it's no different for any other band. we worked hard to get where we are, and you're not going to jump on our wagon for a ride.

well let's see....what other negative things from last night can i focus on. :)...i'm getting to the good part.

the rest of the night was fantastic. i'm in love with my red frilly can-can bloomers. they're fun to wear underneath loose-fitting dresses and then flirt with the hem of my dress. i think a lot of people get a kick out of it. that's the point anyway. i look younger than i am, and probably always will, and so why try to look older than i am? i'll play to my strengths and dress like a doll. why not? it's fun. i'm too stubby to be anything else.

we had a professional photographer and a professional video guy (is that what they're called?) and so we were all showing off and pushing all this energy on them. it's not hard when the crowd is as crazy as it was last night. we had chanting italians screaming, "CAN I TOUCH IT? CAN I KISS IT?". no. we had head bangers. we had crazy, sped-up moshers. we had girls that couldn't have been older than 14 (who is letting them in????? big illegal no-no) who were singing their heads off. we had our regulars. and we had an over-stuffed gay man in a business suit who kept begging for violent femmes, and who was my private dancer for half the show.

this crowd was ours. the place was packed and then all of a sudden cleared out. later we found out that a girl had a seizure on the dance floor and it caused a huge commotion. i can't believe i missed that. i hope she's ok. i can't imagine what it's like to have epilepsy. it must be very difficult. that girl was probably having a really good time and her mind wasn't on any worry, and then without warning, she's down. it's not fair.

my mother is driving through town today, on her way from the mountains to the beach, and we are having our regular mother/daughter lunch. every girl needs a mom like this. she's a very good mommy who takes care of me when i need it.

bryan and i are meeting on tuesday to sign papers and contracts and fun stuff like that. things are getting going. getting going going going.


i hope i don't slip.

anyone have a miniature piano that i can have?

it's time for me to learn a new instrument. so i've decided to learn how to play the piano. to be honest, i started learning at a very early age. i quit at a very early age, too, because i couldn't figure out how to play a song so i cried and left. and that was that. fast foward to 15 years later and i'm finally trying it again. but this time, i already have a fabulous understanding of chords, so it should be much easier. i want to write music on the piano. that's what my songs sound like in my head. bryan started showing me how to play "coin-operated boy", and it was the most wonderful feeling. plink plink plink.

last night Sugar played at 42nd street. i'm usually harrassed by old, drunk men at this place, and last night was no different. i don't know what it is...why do men feel like they can touch you when you're on stage? "look, it's the girl from Sugar. let me go and try to rub myself against her while i talk into her ear about something irrelevant. maybe i'll slip her a little tongue." bah.

some people, the people that are respectful and keep their distance, are very cool. i want to thank those people here and now. thank you for realizing that i don't get off on old men rubbing their dick up against me while contaminating me with their alcoholic breath.

one girl really caught the attention of paul and I. it's usually someone who is doing something exceptionally provocative to themselves in front of the stage. something that makes me giggle and forget my lines or chords. last night one little lady went further. she was, as we say "dropping it like it was hot" with this guy in the dirtiest way possible. she then went on to act out what i was singing. i started playing along a little bit and she took it as an invitation. she got right in my face and in the most disgusting and arousing way possible, started running her hand up my thigh. my voice squeaked and i backed away laughing. these people...i don't know. i don't like being touched by girls. and i don't like being touched by men, as i said before. the only time it's okay, is when i'm on a date with a pretty boy, and it's obvious the date is going super. that's it!!!

other than that, the night was lovely. paul rested his head against my shoulder, which was bliss. he's my doll baby on stage. bryan and i played "coin-operated boy" and it was magical and went over well in my head, if nowhere else. susan got pissed because we played a two hour set and said byran was cruel. celeste smiled and pretended like she was playing half the songs, and her boobs just about popped out of her corset on a few occasions. at the end of the night, we all went home, in love with the night. i passed out watching a new episode of the office. thank you, DVR.

and dwight made a pizza.

i'm going vintage shopping.

the first of many...hopefully

So I have recently become obsessed with the Dresden Dolls, and not just because of the music. Here is a girl that is completely open and out there and it's refreshing. And she's funny. And I'm beginning to realize that her great lyrics come from writing so much and just getting it all out. It's like a wake-up call. I've been a minimalist of words for so long that i just need to start elaborating and being fluffy with words. And maybe it will make me smarter and help me to spell, and perhaps even improve my vocabulary. I used to be really acute, but i think that's because i used to read a lot.

So anyway, it's a start. I'm going to start writing and from that, I'm going to start writing music. Why? because for one, it's great to sing other people's songs and get praise, but the feeling has to be orgasmic when someone is going crazy over something that you wrote yourself. and another reason: because i want to do this for the rest of my life. ever since i was...born...i have sang and danced around and that's the way i'm happiest. so that's it.

now i have to go set up at 42nd street, and i need to leave now because it's 4 and i was supposed to be there at 4, and i'm not and bryan is going to lay an egg.

bye.